xxhypnotiq:

(via steffilynn)

msbreeholden:

Girls, do not say you’ll never find love, nor true love. I’ve learned, it takes a life-time, to find someone that’s perfect for you. Once you take a lifetime to find your perfect guy, you’ll realize that’s the one who understands you, respects you, and wants to spend his life with you, for as long as he can. On the other hand, if you don’t take a life time, you wont find someone who understands you. There’s Six billion people in the world. There has to be at least one perfect guy for you, you just have to have the strength and courage, to find him.

ohmytalkinbird:

Deep breath.

Okay. Sometimes I wonder why it is that I feel so out of touch with myself and everyone around me. I wonder what people think of me when they see me. I wonder if they even notice. I know lots of my friends, or old friends, I know they cared and/or care about me. I know they do. I appreciate that they do. I appreciate that they did. I know that there will always be at least one person out there who cares. But sometimes, I feel as if caring isn’t enough.

I don’t want to seem like a self centered, naive, 16 year old girl. I know everybody feels like this. I know everybody, at one point in there lives, feels like this. Maybe not as much, or maybe worse. Either way, I have sympathy. For each and every one of you. I know that sometimes, I may seem like I’m complaining. I know that sometimes you all may think, “Does she even have a bad life?” And to be honest, I don’t. I have a great life. I have loving parents, I have everything I need. I really do. I swear that I do. This is where the problem comes into play.

On selfishness:
I’d like to think of myself as a non-selfish person. I’d like to think of myself as a giving, caring individual. And I am. I am caring, I am giving. But am I selfish? Am I selfish for thinking the things I do? Am I selfish for feeling the way I feel? Am I selfish for acting the way I act? Am I? Am I? I am. I know I am. Do you understand how much this kills me? I know I have it so much better than most people. But I can’t help but feel so fucking hopeless, helpless, unreachable. This is a part of me. I wish people would understand that I’m not acting the way I do because I’m ungrateful. Do you know how much I appreciate the things I have? Do you even have a clue as to how grateful I am? Yet, being so selfish in this aspect. I don’t even know. I can’t even finish this paragraph. I can’t but this into words. I can only feel this. That is all.

On self-hatred:
Have you ever looked into the mirror and hated everything you saw? Chances are, yes. We all do. We all often hate something about us. But as for me, it goes far more in depth. When I see myself, I see what I am. As a whole. As a person. And is it sad to say that I hate everything about me? Is it sad? Yes, it is sad. I wish I could change that. I wish that I could love myself the way I love others. I’d give anything to feel confident. And it’s not that I don’t appreciate when people tell me nice things or compliment me. It’s not that at all. I acknowledge it, I try to believe it. But do I believe it? Do I truly believe all these nice things people tell me? No. I don’t. I wish I did. I wish I were all those positive, amazing things people tell me. I wish I was something more than what I am. A person that has meaning. If that makes any sense.. probably not. Loathing myself this much, isn’t healthy. I am aware. I am aware that this is who I am. I have to live with it, right? I have to live with this. This. Me. Everything. I have to accept it. But how can one accept something they hate in its entirety? How can someone accept something they wish they could escape?

On slipping away:
I don’t remember, don’t recall, can’t even begin to imagine when all of this began. All I know is that I’ve always been like this. Maybe not as drastic, but I have. I have been like this. For years. Years. I feel like some days I’m okay. And I believe it. I believe I’m okay for a while. And when it comes back? What do I do? How do I react? Sometimes, to be honest, I don’t. I don’t react. I’m so used to coming in and out of focus. I’m so used to everything feeling this way. But there are other times when it hits me.. and it hurts. And I can’t deal. I can’t really expect things, though. I shouldn’t expect things. But this is one of my flaws. I expect that once I feel okay, I’ll be okay forever. And it’s not like that. It’s not like that at all. I’m so out of reach. I feel like I see myself and I’m reaching out and I keep calling out.. and I’m reaching for my hand.. and then I lose it. I’m back to where I started. Running up an escalator that’s going down. That’s how it feels. That’s how I feel. Sometimes, I do want to slip away. I want to blend in with everything. I want to go unnoticed, I want to be forgotten. Forget me. Forget me. But what do I really want? Why do I keep contradicting myself? I. Am. So. Disappointing.

On happiness:
You know, sometimes I do feel happy.. somewhat. Sometimes I generally do feel okay. I do things, though, to distract myself. Most of you must think I’m crazy. Mostly because I go from posting pictures and silly things about myself and stuff like that.. and then next second I post something serious. THIS IS ME DISTRACTING MYSELF. I need to do this. I need to distract myself. If I don’t my thoughts will consume me. My thoughts will swallow me whole. I hope I don’t seem bipolar, on here or at school. I really hope people don’t see me as this crazy person with mood swings. I wish people would understand that.. it’s the only way to hide how I’m feeling. And when you see me with a sad face, or a look of indifference, it’s because I let the feeling slip out. I let you have a glimpse of IT. And when that happens, when you see it, I feel embarassed. I feel genuinely embarassed. So I cover it up. I pretend. I pretend until I get tired of pretending and it shows again. I pretend until I have to. I have so many things to be happy about. I really do. I know I do. It just isn’t happening for me. It really isn’t. I don’t feel like this is me being negative (well, it is) but I mean, I feel like this is me. I can’t do anything about it until I learn how to deal with it myself. Honestly, I know I can only help myself. Yeah, I can talk to people. Of course. Yeah, I can listen to people’s advice. Of course. Always. But this is me. This is my time to figure it out. Even if it takes another four years of this. Even if I’m in the dark forever.

On the future:
The future.. it scares me. It freaks me out. I have all of these wonderful things planned in my mind. I want to do them all.  I want to succeed. But I have this feeling.. this feeling deep within my bones that I won’t be. I won’t be successful. I won’t make it. If I’m likes this now, how will I be in 5 years? 10 years? How will I deal? Sure, I’ll be older and hopefully wiser.. but this will always be me. This will always be engrained in every fiber of my being. And even if I am free of it. I’ll always remember.. and to forget? Should I forget if I am ever free? Will forgetting make me a naive, ungrateful person? How much am I contradicting myself? Is it bothering you yet? Is it? If I can’t save myself, who will save me? Will I even let someone save me? I hope someone saves me. I really do. I really hope they do.

On disappointment:
Feeling like this.. I can’t put it into words. But I know I am disappointing my parents. I know I am. I know I’m disappointing my friends. I know I am. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I don’t know what else to say. I really don’t. You all deserve much more of a better attitude from me. You really do. I love you all, and I hope that I’ll stop disappointing you someday. I hope I’ll start doing better in school again, I hope I start smiling more. I hope I’ll get better soon. For you, for all of you. And most importantly for me.

I need to learn to let go, after this is all over and done with.
And I need to live freely.
I need to live for me.
I need to live.